(HydeWars = Sam's vlogs; crush500 = funny edit compilations of new material and each episode legit has $500 giveaway... There's currently like 25 hours worth of exclusive shit on here and I am adding more every month.)
- HydeWars is a refreshing and alternative take on Elliot Rodger vlogging with a ‘70s sitcom laugh track added.
- HydeWars is a 30-year-old man riding a comically small bicycle back and forth across the thin line between genius and madness while honking his horn to the tune of Prince's 3 Chains o' Gold.
- HydeWars is the life and times of a man who has been interviewed by the FBI on multiple occasions for popularizing the e-Sport of recreational hate speech.
- HydeWars is in quantum superposition between wise sagely insight and the deranged ramblings of an unmedicated <strike>schizophrenic</strike> gamer.
- HydeWars is an outsider artist toggling his irony on and off at a rate of 1000 Hz while painting a swastika on a daycare center with his own boo-boo (blabbybo word for dookie).
- crush500 is an avant-garde experimental niche marketing campaign targeted at antisemitic bodybuilders and eCelebrity-obsessed firearm aficionados.
- crush500 is an internet fringe game show for deranged alt.comedy superfans that will probably end up inadvertently financing the next school shooting.
- crush500 is one of the first warning signs of prodromal schizophrenia, characterized by unprovoked manic laughter, socially unacceptable behavior, distrust of authority figures, and paranoid thinking.
- crush500 is a loopy hellride through the rapidly-decaying collective unconscious of a dying empire, as narrated by a coked-up pro-wrestling color commentary team.
- crush500 is a conspiratorial underground comedy ARG which is closely monitored by several FBI agents on a daily basis to make sure that the joke hasn’t “gone too far” yet.
You’ll probably laugh. You’ll probably get angry. You might even think about some things from a new perspective, or, ‘outside the box’, as Sam likes to call it. Only one thing is certain: You will definitely be made uncomfortable (or, ‘outside your comfort zone’ as Sam likes to call it), and forced to question what you just saw or why you thought it was a good idea to pay money for it, and while we’re at it, just what the hell is Visual Finger ASMR™ Neo-Technology anyway?
Jump, Duck, Scramble, and Roll with Tricky, Fresh, Zac and Sam as they get into all sorts of Vehicular Mayhem™ and cigar-related accidents/injuries (disclaimer: final videos may not feature Tricky or Fresh, who exist in Sam’s mind only). One of these days Sam will certainly kick the bucket on camera, and unless you're a subscriber you will miss the poignance and beauty of when a true Master Comedian™ and PowerVlogger passes away doing what he does best.
But most importantly let's talk about our unique "double-feature" element. For the measly price of one HydeWars, faithful viewers will also receive a brand-spankin' new crush500. crush500 is an avant-garde Internet game show--a winner-take-all, no-holds-barred $500 CONTEST where YOU get to leverage your special gifts to compete with hundreds of other mentally ill superfans for fun and profit. You love to pore over every second of your favorite funny video... and now you can get paid for it! crush500 is the world’s biggest easter egg hunt for subliminal MK-ULTRA activation signals (or “crushPals™” as our lawyer has suggested we call them) and you’re invited, all for the slam-deal entry price of $5/month!
Just don’t think about it and buy now before you come to your senses. The price you pay for HydeWars/crush500 begins with your wallet and ends with your sanity and dignity. Is it worth it? Well, it better be, because this is gonna be your main source of Sam Hyde content until he inevitably ends up on LiveLeak doing you-know-what. Until then, this train ain’t got no brakes and it’s headed directly off a cliff just in time for the camera crew. You don’t want to miss the wreck, so strap in, buckle up, crack open a Fresh, Hot Soda, and don’t touch that dial--until death do us part, the show must go on.
This is an extremely low price. I consulted with a lot of industry big-wigs and celebrities and they all agreed it's a low price. 100% of all profits will be going towards The Jewish Charity and if there’s any profits after that we will use them to pay for transexual penis-vagina pussycock slicer cock slice pussy surgery for Underprivileged Confused Micronesians™, AKA The Sam Hyde Fund (501(c)(3)).
Now, close your eyes and imagine what $500 can buy you. It's quite a bit of money, yes? A little more than you've had at any one time before? Look, kid, imagine yourself poolside at a 5-star resort in the Florida Keys in your rented James Bond suit, ordering expensive wine for a gorgeous French swimsuit model. “Keep the change,” you say to the bartender as the gorgeous babe searches you up and down, trying to guess--are you a CEO? Doctor? Son of a millionaire? You put your finger to her lips to silencer her question, grinning, and whisper in her ear: “Nice to meet you. I’m a meme researcher."
The next day your old friends and family see you rolling down the street in a BMW and ask: “Kyler, how’d you afford that? You live on disability!” You smirk as your $500 cosplay cape blows in the swirling winds, and answer: “crush500. I’m a high roller now, dad.”
I'm going to sign a death pact with you right here, right now. And that's this: not only will you get access to my amazing backlog of solid, high-ranking HydeWars videos, but you will also receive At Least One New Video a Month, minimum, guaranteed (averaged out over time, don't sue). Will it be Sam rocking back-and-forth stimming himself like a downie and driving 80? Or will it actually contain multiple Nuggets of Pure Wisdom™? We don't know, and we never can tell, and who's to say until the last cigar is smoked.
crush500 ending tagline: Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity... To seize everything you ever wanted--in one moment... Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?
HydeWars ending tagline: This is Elegance. This is Status. This is Philosophy. This is HydeWars.